LIFE
Feb 14 2019
Remember how little is needed to live a happy life
What is it to hold gratitude and what is it to be grateful? If you find yourself constantly chasing after something, ask why. Will this make you truly happy? Or is this just to check off another box? neexxxt. Sometimes you need to step back and see that the things right in front of you, are what will make you the happiest.
I found myself asking these questions throughout the last year. 2018 was likely the most challenging year of my life thus far. When people would say "I've hit rock bottom," I could never really grasp what that meant. It was only after hitting rock bottom myself, that I realized what it meant.
At the start of the year everything that I had worked hard for and what I felt I deserved was put on hold. I thought to myself “Pick yourself up. You are better than this. This is not the end of the world. I repeat... this is not the end of the world.” A few months later.. My world turned upside down and came crashing down. I suffered a heartbreak. “What’s crazy about the pain of a broken heart is that your body perceives it as physical pain.”-Melissa Hill.
I lost my person. I watched myself crumble and fold. I felt suffocated by the anger and baggage that I had let come in the way of my life. Negative thoughts consumed what was left of me. In order to heal I began meditation, I started yoga... all those things that once gave me anxiety started to unfold as a blessing. I felt rhythm, I felt groove, I felt profound happiness. But that wasn't enough.. life had thrown another curveball. I felt pain all over again. I started to believe I was not a good person. That happiness for me does not exist. But this time I was not ready to lose myself amongst the midst of it again. I was not going to be a slave to what I felt.
I lost and found myself all over again at 23. I finished my degree, I created new friendships, I worked on a better me, I found happiness and ‘I found myself.’ I remember being told that I would learn and grow so much in my 20s. I didn’t understand the gravity of what that meant or how true that was until recently.
I look forward to the future, to new goals, aspirations, memories, travels, and challenges.
Cheers to my support network, I love you all! Here is to world full of endless possibilities, a life full of happiness, good vibes and good people.
Love Amy
March 6 2019
We're all stories in the end, just make it a good one eh?
 |  |  |
|---|---|---|
 |  |
1. The Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins
I could not put this book down.. 'just one more page' as I binged twenty more. All those twists and turns made me feel as if I was holding my breath the entire time. It was an unsettling thriller, with so many hot mess characters. An easy and interesting read as it narrates between characters. The movie is also on Netflix!!
2. Chasing Kismet- Amrita Lit
Although fiction, the author did an amazing job capturing different realities that some Indo-Canadian girls face. Tara is stuck between heartbreaks and tragedies, while trying to gain more insight on her cultural identities. This was such an easy read, I picked it up in the morning and finished it by evening.
3. Something Borrowed- Emily Giffin
I love all Emily Giffin books as they are total page turners. Emily does such a great job capturing detail, that you end up feeling attached to the characters when you are done. Rachel works through her heart and conscious while dealing with a dilemma. Loyalty, trust and friendship is all in play.. This movie is also on Netflix!!
4. Dear Girls Above Me- Charlie McDowell
Funny, relatable, an easy read and did I mention funny? Charlie McDowell makes you chuckle the whole time reading his book. I read this book 2 times and I still read his tweets on his twitter page!
5. The 5 Love Languages- Gary Chapman
Whether you are single, young, a man, married, dating, a woman, old, divorced, etc etc.. This book is a must read for everyone. This book changed my life, my emotions, my perspective and helped me better understand others in my life. Gary captures just everything you need to know about love beautifully. I have bought all his other books too!!
All these books are available at Chapters Indigo! And if you buy them online it's cheaper!
10 me facts that will blow your mind... kidding! but I got your attention!
April 20 2019
-
I have been a Type 1 Diabetic for about 20 years now. 3 AM Bloodsugar checks, low blood sugars and needles! I'll be sharing a post about this real soon!
-
I have 8 small tattoos. All of them are kept relatively covered. I think I'll cap it at 8.. or should we say 2 more?
-
As soon as I get into my car before the key is even in the ignition, I lock the doors. Trust no one ladies.. especially in parking lots!!
-
I survived Tropical Cyclone Storm Lidia in Mexico. Our rooms were flooded, resort was completely ruined, snakes in the rooms, jeeps in the pool, cars in the building.. no food or electricity. It was like a scene out of the Titanic.
-
I signed up for a week long yoga retreat.. when I got there it was more like a cult. Stick N' Poke, screaming at trees and bodily fluid experiments? NOOOOOO THANK YOU! I returned home in less than 24 hours and enjoyed a diy retreat in town.
-
If I were to change one thing about my physical appearance.. my knuckles would be getting plastic surgery. They look like damn cinnamon rolls.
-
I spent my entire childhood outdoor playing on trampolines, digging up dirt, playing cops and robbers, going to block parties, having slumber parties, scraping my knees, biking for hours and hours after dinner and knowing all the kids in the neighbourhood.
-
^Although.... I have never broken a bone, gotten stung or bit by a bee, or have had any surgery done
-
My biggest pet peeve and probably the oddest... the sound of nails scratching the fitted sheet while trying to flatten it out.. Don't ask. It freaks the heck out of me. It's like scratching the chalkboard.. but ten times worse.
-
I hope to retire early and live out of an RV. Teach yoga on the beach, sip margaritas, eat tacos and live a hippie life.
Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire
July 22 2019
I struggled to find the right song as music for me is a life and a world within itself. I was almost uncertain about using ‘Jubel-Klingande’. You know when a certain song reminds you of a certain time? Feeling? Smell? This one captures my entire year.
The ups, the downs and the crossroads faced, I found this song playing in the background every time. Windows down, warm summer nights, holding back tears, and it was playing. Dragging my feet to the gym, weeping on the floor because I didn’t have the energy to pick up 20 lbs, this song was beating. Candle light yoga, laying on the mat, tears rolling down my cheeks, the lyrics were playing in my head. Bus rides to work, sleeves growing wet, the song was on repeat. Reading self help books, journaling, I’d have this song playing to remind me ‘keep learning’. Picking up more weight, plate by plate, this song was blasting to remind me self keep pushing. Hanging with friends, with family, socializing, the song reminded me to stay positive. From learning how to swim, to learning a new language, graduating and accomplishing so many other goals, this song kept me dreaming. Travelling solo, experiencing new things, I know this song will be with me. This is a video for me and this is a video for you. When you set goals, achieve them. When you say you will, chase that will. When you said you would, do it. The sky is the limit, keep that drive going, record your dreams and Do it with Amy.
August 4 2019
Grab your favourite bottle of wine, a bowl of popcorn and proceed with the following.....
"a 90 minute movie is too much of a time commitment.. instead I'll take a 22 minute sitcom and watch 17 episodes of it" - me with Netflix
-
atypical- a funny, yet emotional journey about a teenage on the autism spectrum [2 seasons, 18 episodes, 30 mins each]
-
DEAD TO ME- a comedy drama about a grieving widows friendship with another woman [1 season, 10 episodes, 30 mins each]
-
the sinner- Jessica Biel.. that's it.. a thriller and a suspenseful tv show with twists and turns [1 season, 8 episodes, 40 mins each]
-
dirty John- based on a true crime podcast.. a woman who falls in love with this mysterious and charming man [1 season, 8 episodes, 40 mins each]
-
imposters- a dark comedy based on a con artist who gets involved in relationships.. robbing them of everything [ 2 seasons, 20 episodes, 40 mins each]
-
dynasty- all you powerful women striving to start their own dynasty... a show based on wealth, power, corruption. modernized reboot of the 80's soap [2 seasons, 44 episodes, 40 mins each]
-
Wentworth- for all you OITNB lovers.. this Australian prison drama will have you hooked [6 seasons, 69 episodes, 45 mins each]
-
this is us- an emotional tearjerker and drama that will have your heart aching with the ultimate hottie milo Ventimiglia!! [2 seasons, 36 episodes, 40 mins each]
-
the ranch- if anyone knows Amy.. knows this is on repeat all the time. an American sitcom that has you laughing the whole way through[6 seasons, 60 episodes, 30 mins each]
-
Brooklyn 99-A hilarious American police sitcom.. you'll love Amy Santiago [6 seasons, 130 episodes, 20 mins each]
September 6 2019
I'm just here for the birthday cake.. & these freebies
"growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional"- Walt Disney
With my birthday around the corner.. I'm sharing the best birthday freebies for you to indulge in
-Starbucks- Free handcrafted beverage or food item (must be a rewards member, ps. it's free to join) Generally valid 1-3 days before and on your birthday
-Dennys- Free Birthday Breakfast! Get an Original Free Grand Slam. (Need your ID)
Only valid on the day of your birthday
-IHOP- if you're up for a second breakfast.. sign up for IHOP and get free pancakes for your birthday!
-Red Robins- Indulge in your favourite fire grilled burger for lunch! (Join Red Robins Royalty program) Your reward will be valid once anytime during your birthday month.
-Davids Tea- let's par-tea! You get a cup of your favourite on the day of your birthday (Join the Frequent Steeper Club)
-Patron Tacos- Free Churros after eating all those tacos (you'll receive an email during your birthday month valid for 15 days when you join their program)
-Menchies-$5 Birthday Reward when you join the Menchies Rewards Program
Body Energy Club- After you go for that birthday pump at the gym, swing over for a free birthday smoothie! (Register for Body Energy Club's Loyalty Program)
-Yaletown Brewing Company- Free Desert and a T-shirt for your whole table to sign!
(on your birthday)
-Body Shop- $10 Reward for your birthday when you join the Love your Body Club
-London Drugs- $5 Birthday Voucher when you sign up for LD Extras!
-Sephora- Beauty Insiders get a free birthday gift during their birthday month, that includes you too boys!
Chat with Amy if you know any more secrets and I'll add them to the list!
October 11 2019
9 of the most used Apps on Amy's phone
Fell asleep on my phone the other day. I had downloaded a nap.
5 TOP FAVOURITES ATM 1.Drowning- Chris Young 2.Wasted-MRVLZ & Wooshay 3.10,000 Hours-Dan+Shay & Justin Bieber 4.Praying to a God (Luke Remix)- Mr. Probz 5. What Do I Know- Shawn Austin
4 email accounts 1. Subscriptions, spam, contests etc. 2. Professional/Work Mail 3. Blog emails 4. iCloud emails
What would I do without this app?! Dates, Work, Parties, Events, Appointments.. I'd be lost without this.
Whatsapp > IMessage Minus all the group chats .. omg.
Where else can I share endless videos of my nieces and nephews?!.. and snippets of me singing my lungs out to my favourite songs!
Ok.. where would doitwithamy be without this app! Best thing ever!
Jimmy Fallon & Jimmy Kimmel.. plus DIY, how to, and obviously cute proposal and announcement videos!
Ok. If you live in Vancouver and you do not have this app.. what are you doing? Wherever you are.. this app will locate the nearest and cheapest gas station for you!
My Fitness Pal Libre Link Beep Test Flo Health
November 14 2019
Don't sugarcoat it; give diabetes the finger
Well first and foremost. Happy Birthday Dr. Banting and thank you for creating insulin. My story begins over 20 years ago. I was diagnosed in August of 1999 and have been living with type 1 diabetes since. I won't get into the nitty gritty too much, but will certainly give an overview of how it's looked like. Growing up it was the worst watching adults eat sugar in front of you.. say "omg yucky. it's ok you don't want this.. it doesn't taste good.." and then continue eating it. Children absorb everything. For the entirety of my elementary school years I tried to hide I was diabetic. I didn't want anyone to know and did not want to be bullied for being different. I felt like I had the worst disease and that no one would like me. As I grew older, I started to grasp what I was dealing with and understand what I had. I embraced what I had and never let it get in the way of chasing and achieving my ambitions. Here are some things type 1 diabetics wish you would know.
1. Type 2 diabetes right? I know lots of people who have it. I wish people knew the difference.
Type 1 and Type 2 are different. Unfortunately type 1 doesn't get the awareness like type 2 diabetes does. Type 1 requires you to take insulin and cannot be prevented. Type 2 can be prevented with lifestyle changes, diet and exercise and most commonly is managed with oral medicine.
2. Did you eat too much sugar? Is that how you got it? You must have just had tons of sugar as a kid. Did your parents have it?
No! Eating sugar does not cause diabetes. The bodys immune system which normally fights infections, attacks and destroys the cells in the pancreas that make insulin. Thus the pancreas stops working. There is nothing I or my parents could have done to avoid my diagnosis.
3. It's curable. You should try this and your diabetes will go away.
No aunty, eating okra or eating cinnamon will not cure my diabetes. And no I will not see a doctor or a magic uncle in a third world country that will cure the diabetes out of me. Its insulin or death.
5. Yes, I can have that cake.
Do not tell me what I should and shouldn't eat. Yes, avoid sugar like any other human should. Diabetics just have to make sure they cover enough insulin for their intake.
6. It's not as easy as it looks.
I check my blood sugars over 6 times a day, I poke myself with a needle a minimum of 4 times, I scar very easily, I wake up in the middle of the night when I feel low, I get mood swings, my belly is my best friend (fave insulin spot) and my enemy (so hard to lose the fat) at the same time.
7. Can you do that if you're diabetic?
Sorry, what? I bet I'm doing more than the person asking me. Diabetes has no boundaries. Reach for the stars and beyond darling.
What is your biggest fear Amy?
Doesn't matter how long you have lived with diabetes, nothing can describe the feeling of : always having the fear of sleeping through a low.
That with all the medication and research done and proven, I still may not be able to carry to full term one day.
Microvascular complications. Bless I have healthy eyes, kidneys, nerves and feet.
March 2021
Everything happens for a reason.. until it doesn't
You work hard, you play according to the rules, you practice gratitude, you take care of people, you're kind..
one minute you're running through the waves of the ocean and the sun shining brightly upon you... and the next you're laying in bed and wondering how the impossible happened to you. You live your entire life thinking everything happens for a reason, but what if it doesn't? Everyone says "The universe has a plan, even if we can't see it or understand it.." So now you're trying to think of this bigger picture, this bigger plan and you are trying so hard to make sense of this..but you just can't.
The worst part about grieving is that you may never have a reason or an answer. Who's responsible for giving you an answer? Because a lot of special people in my life right now don't have those answers and they deserve them.
Ways to cope and get through grief is an ongoing process..
-there is no specific timeline on when you'll be ok
-"being strong" in the face of loss is total bs
-not crying doesn't mean you aren't sorry for the loss
-"the pain will wear off.. just keep distracting yourself".. again is BS
-the denial, the shock, the anger, the bargaining, the depression.. the acceptance.. there is no timeline on it
-there is no proper or correct way to go through a grieving process
-do not let anyone else tell you how to feel, don't tell yourself how you should be feeling either
-talking about the death of your loved one is ok, not talking about it is ok too
-lean on your family and friends
-speak to a psychologist, therapist or counsellor
-a lot of people fall into the trap of giving "toxic positivity" "it'll all be okay, just stay positive" try to steer away from that and just be there for your loved ones
I leave this post asking a few questions.. can someone answer them for me? for my family? for my loved ones? or others who are wondering the same thing?
-"Why do x and y who are evil deserve a million chances at life? but the work hard, play hard, be nothing but good leave without a second chance?"
-"Can we claim the right to life? Who is to say we deserve to live or not?"
-"How do you continue to be ok after losing a loved one?"
-"Why do the good die young?.. I can think of plenty of not-so-good people who are living it up. Where is the justice? I can't make sense of this upside down world.. Can you?"
There is no clear cut answer to any of these questions.
To everyone reading this.. hug your close ones extra tight tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the day after and so on. Life is extremely precious and in the blink of an eye everything can change and turn upside down. Count your blessings, omit those grudges, love more and laugh when you can.
Extra hugs and love to my aunts, my cousins and my family xxx
"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” - Earl A Grollman
September 2021
Cash, visa, debit, mastercard, cheque, anything works
Mel gave me permission and the pleasure to share his story.
I have had the greatest pleasure in knowing Mel for over three years now. Every single day I go to work, he'll be sitting on the southeast corner of W Georgia and Granville. He'll be one of the first people to say good morning to me, tell me several jokes throughout the day and tell me I'm the most beautiful girl (I swear he says this to all the ladies haha). Mel will take any opportunity to make someone laugh or engage in conversation. The minute it looks like I'm in trouble, he's on his feet ready to run right behind me. He tells me "no body messes with my girl alright?" I remember last summer Mel was strumming his guitar to some Johnny Cash and singing Folsom Prison Blues. One day he calls me over and says "hey Amy, you have a Visa card? Can I borrow it?" Haha very funny Mel. He then said "well look someone stole my chord book last night and I can't play my music. Tom Lee doesn't take cash and I don't have a card. Do you mind buying me the book? I'll pay you back." I told him of course Mel, let's go! So we walk on up to this store, Mel lugging his luggage behind him (the only thing to his name). As soon as we got up there, I noticed some not so nice looks from the staff, but hey I don't care! Mel''s my buddy! We find his book and I go to the counter to pay. It was about $15. I wasn't too worried about the money, Mel deserves it! As we're leaving, he insists on paying me back right away. I tell him, Mel it's ok, this is from me to you. He insisted and wouldn't let me leave and stops me at the bottom of the escalator. He pulls out a $20 bill from his wallet and hands it over. "But Mel, I don't have $5 on me to give you back." Mel replies "don't be crazy, take that $5 and buy yourself a coffee. Mel had tears rolling down his cheek and asked me for a hug for doing this for him. In the midst of covid, I was a bit reluctant... however I couldn't help it and I embraced him. I too, was tearing up. "Huh, a homeless man just gave me $5...the heck with all this judgement everyone holds."
Melvin Michael Henry is Co-Salish and was born in Skookumchuck (/ˈskuːkəmtʃʌk/) which is the traditional land on the Sunshine Coast, BC. Mel is also turning 63 this month. Mel had 18 brothers and sisters and only 7 are alive today. Mel has one daughter who he believes resides in Surrey, however, has no contact with her. Mel has 75 nieces and nephews, 36 grand nieces and nephews, and 2 grand grand nieces. Mel recalls feeling blessed he wasn't sent to residential schools. However, if there was a war for the children who suffered from them... he would be the first to fight. "These kids didn't even have a chance in life, they didn’t have a chance man."When Mel was 5 he was a part of the sixties scoop. That was the large-scale removal of Indigineous children from their homes, communities and families and their subsequent adoption into predominantly non-Indigenous, middle class families. He was placed in foster home with Caucasian foster parents. "I was abused every day, they beat me till I bled.I could have been dead with no chance in life." Mel smoked his first joint at the age of 6 and had his first drink at the age of 8. At the age of 8 Mel had run away from his foster home and ended up at the corner of W Georgia and Granville. He began panhandling for himself and his brother. "The first day.. I made $450 and ran to tell my brother" Mel has been on the streets since then and has never looked back. With the support of lots of elders and community friends, Mel was invited for plenty of home cooked meals and stays at their homes. Mel was even able to finish his grade 12 education and pursue post-secondary. He studied at Simon Fraser University for two years and studied Psychology. "I like to know how people work. I want to understand them." Mel at one point worked as a chicken catcher earning $20 an hour!! He also did cement work and carpentry for the Sandman in Richmond. In the late 80's and early 90's Mel got into some trouble. A man had pulled a knife on him on the streets and Mel ended up committing manslaughter in return. He spent about 12 years in prison; serving time in Prince Albert, Kent Prison, Matsqui institution and he was released after spending the latter end of his sentence on the island. Since the late 90's Mel has done his best to stay out of any kind of trouble. When I asked Mel why he wasn’t able to pursue his education any further he stated "Well I want to do it all on my own, I'd feel better about it. if I get reserve help it'll mean they own me." I asked Mel why he chooses to stay on the streets and not move into housing. He replied "I'm claustrophobic. I hate small spaces. I'm free on the streets. Lots of people are out here I get to meet." Mel states on the daily he'll make any more from $200 to $400 a day from passerby’s. The best day he says is when a man pulled out three $100 bills out of his wallet and passed them too Mel. "I said cash, visa, debit, MasterCard, cheque, anything will do. The man had a good chuckle and said hey I like that and proceeded to take out $300 for me. That was one of the best days ever." I asked Mel what he hates the most about being on the streets. Mel said, "Greedy and stingy people." When I asked Mel about his favourite part he said "Well I get to see pretty ladies like you hahahaha"
So what does Mel do on a regular day to day?
Mel will usually drink 18-34 tall cans of Cariboo Red. By 12 pm he's usually 10 or more deep. He sometimes likes to drink some whiskey; "fireball" is his poison. He'll smoke 6-8 joints a day.
Well Mel, what advice can you give to youth that are on the streets?
"Stay away from the junk. the speed, the drugs. don't do the heavy drugs, I never did them. people should know why they are on the streets. they need to know why; they need to know where they went wrong and how they can fix it. I walk by these kids and it's a shame. what you did wrong you have to fix it man."
Mel, do you have anything else to add?
"Good luck Amy. I love ya. Hey you're beautiful. Remember that."
January 2022
Adding masala (spice) to the chai
Growing up in a South Asian household...
It would only be fair to share a bit of background.. My mum was born in Punjab. She was the youngest of two brothers and three sisters. Growing up, the expectations laid out by my grandmum included the usual. Study, study some more, keep studying. Mum was not allowed to giggle and laugh outside the house.. (not in front of boys at least). Mum was not allowed to talk to boys, only those that were family and known. However, mum was allowed to go shopping alone, run errands and be independent. Mum had to get married young.. and then mum moved to Canada.
As a second generation woman living in the 21st century, born to South Asian parents; these are my experiences.
From the second we are born South Asian women have expectations. "It's not a boy. Shame on the woman.". My parents had three girls and they are proud girl parents. South Asian women are expected to live up to these societal and cultural pressures from every single aspect. This means what we do, where we go, who we talk to, what we study in school, what our jobs should be, etc.
My parents, who were learning the ropes and trying to fit into the western culture had it tough. We as children, also beared the burden with them. A lot of times growing up, my siblings and I felt the need to take care of our parents. It was our responsibility to make sure they were ok. If we don't do it, who will?
We had rules. We had curfews. We all got into trouble. But our parents were learning in the process. I wasn't always allowed to talk to boys. Growing up, through friends and family I was taught about the "Caste System." (which by the way is unfounded, outdated and grossly backwards). We belong to this caste.. so you must marry within. "You're in a lower caste or my caste is higher and better." I was told to study hard and leave all the fun until I was done my studies. (But that's a lie no? cause then it's "why haven't you found a man yet? get married. travel when you're married." So guys when do I actually have fun and live my life?
I won't get into the nitty gritty of the household situations growing up... however
Under the shackles of these South Asian "norms.." I tried to be different. I rebelled . I grew up trying to make an independent life for myself. Who do I have to thank? My elder siblings for paving the way. What they weren't allowed to do growing up, I was. I was given the utmost freedom any brown girl could ask for. Many times, and let me tell you, MANY MANY times... I dreamt like every brown girl has "what would it be like to move out and be independent away from my parents?" but we all know moving out before marriage is frowned upon.But defy the odds, follow your heart, do you right?
What this post is really about though.. is my mum. She with society has progressed. No, I'm not saying she's "westernized," but she has grown with her children.
This woman gave me the opportunity to do what she never could. Be fearless, be confident, be bold. She is the woman who believed in every single step I have taken. She is the woman who has been my shoulder through countless hardships, breakups, failures, etc. She is the woman who took me to get my first tattoo, now I have ten. She is the woman who let me go out and live my life without hesitation. She is the woman who trusts I'll make the right decision and if I don't, I'll learn from it. She is the woman who doesn't question my judgement. She is the woman who let me move out for a period of time, so I could experience "real independence." She is the woman who let me backpack solo to South East Asia for two months. She is the woman who has told me to focus on my career before marriage. She is the woman who has backed my career choice (because it's a career for men they say). She is the woman who tells me "slow and steady wins the race" when I feel like I'm behind. She is the woman who will give me countless hugs and kisses and tells me she loves me more than herself. She is the woman I can go to when I'm losing my mind and need to vent. She is the woman who makes me believe I can do anything a man can do. She is the woman who encourages me to invest. She is the woman who tells me to love myself first. She is the woman who tells me "you can be with whoever, love is't the color of your skin." She is the woman that I strive to be. She is the woman I adore more than life itself. My mum is the one who has defied the odds of South Asian parents.She is my person, my best friend, and the reason I am free and so content with life. I love you mum!
"Loki ki kao ghay? (What will people say?)"
If I'm the bad example Indian aunties will talk about, I'll take it.
I'm the product of a strong womans upbringing. I can't thank her enough for who I am today and the places I have to go because of her.
Mum sent me a 4 minute inspirational video today. One part of the video stuck out..
"If you're still thinking or juggling with the thought why you have been sent here, you haven't lived yet."
Then there was a part that stuck out even more.
"You go out, you seek for people who need your help. You make their lives better. You become that sponge which can absorb all the negativity, and you become that person who can emit beautiful positive vibes. That is the day you live."
Many people around me have reminded me "you were sent to be the pillar." I could never grasp the concept fully until awhile ago. There was a tattoo I always wanted when I reached a certain goal of mine.. I got the tattoo last month.
"here I am, send me."
I will always await a call to action. I will always run to any obstacle. I'll promise to be the pillar for whoever needs me.
ps.ill save all the positivity our amazingSouth Asian culture has for another post;)!
love,
brown girl who has defied the odds xo
January 2023
five years later
A goodbye letter to my former self.
Five years ago I wouldn’t have been able to recognize myself. Many of you who know me today or met me after, would have a hard time believing that part of me existed. "the most bubbly. the most grounded. you angry? I can't see it" The person I had become at the age of 22 was unbearable for me.
Dear Ames,
I know that you struggled to get out of bed every morning. I know that you felt unworthy. I know you hated god. The thought of someone higher up made you feel sick. Why would you be going through this much pain if god existed? I know that you felt responsible for what someone else did to you. I know that your pain was so deep that you were trying anything to make it go away. I know that you wished upon everything to take you away. I have been there, I was you. I know I didn’t say it enough, but I love you.
Five years ago, I suffered a heartbreak that drowned me. I lost sense of who I was, what I existed for, and what my purpose in life was. I had the career of my dreams pass me by. How was I not enough? I had received some not so great medical news. “I would rather have cancer” I sat in the doctors chair hoping. Why am I even alive? I remember for months on end, I felt that I had no reason to exist. Can someone take me away? Can something just happen to me?
Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for when the best of you was barely breathing, you pushed through. Thank you for not ending your story. Thank you for being brave and fighting. I now understand I am and will always be enough. I thank you for the role you played in getting me here.
I cannot fathom the strides I’ve made in my life the past five years. Looking back over the years I had gone through some really rocky times, yet I kept faith. I'm happier than ever. I am more resilient than ever. I am stronger than ever. I have never felt so grounded. I let go of trauma and anger. I love myself more than anything. I travelled the world solo. I flew to the other side of Canada for a huge step in my career. I moved to a brand new city without my friends or family. If I didn’t have the support of my family, my siblings, my best friends.. I wouldn’t be here. But most of all, I thank myself!
Ps. you are so loved <3
July 2023
i broke up with my longest relationship...
Tears roll down my cheek, I sit in my car clenching the steering wheel, hands shaking, I have just lost focus of the very thing that kept me going.
I fall to my knees praying to a god I don’t even know exists.
In front of me lay loose papers with dreams, ambitions, goals, that I have been chasing for over a decade. 12 years to be exact. Words that are written, all that I have ever known. I don’t know anything outside of this.
I was 16 when I devoted my entire life to achieve my dream job. I based each and every decision on a career. What I did, who my friends are, etc. I worked for places that would pave the path, volunteers hours on end. I had no identity without this career. My existence meant nothing if I didn't achieve it.
The goal of chasing this dream made me feel worthwhile. I based who I was on a job title. My success equalled who I was as a person. Regardless of the rejections I had accumulated, I persevered. This was the only thing I knew and the only thing I wanted to do in my life. Numerous times I thought “what is the point of living if I can’t become a police officer?”
Somewhere along the past year, something changed. I was so close, yet I wasn’t willing to put in the work that was needed. I didn’t care enough. I gave this dream my entire life, but I fell out of love without even knowing it. I felt miserable. I was chasing a dream I didn’t want anymore. I could barely get out of bed and motivate myself to do the things I naturally liked doing. I lost my way, my direction, my purpose, and my drive. My self worth was tied to my success and my career.
The pursuit of happiness was making me unhappy. I convinced myself to believe this is what I still wanted because I also convinced everyone else around me. I was scared to tell my loved ones, the people that were rooting for me, friends and family who were watching me crash and burn and then get up again.. that something I wanted so badly, didn’t ignite the fire inside me anymore.
there is a stigma of letting go of something before you’ve accomplished it. I’ve never been that person. I’m still struggling to accept that this is no longer my dream right now. Though I abandoned this pursuit for the time being, I never for a second have doubted that I would be an incredible officer. I look forward to chasing this ambition again when I am ready.
We all seek external approval, recognition, validation, but this is a recipe for persistent unhappiness.
The chase is over, I can finally dance.
wait for me to come home...
October 2024
Everyone is home.
Its like standing in a field, looking at a glass house, seeing laughter emerge, kids running around, i'm sitting on the dinner table doing homework and mum's cooking dinner. Everyone is home.
If anyone in my family was asked if they could smell a memory and what it was, they would say "Sophia Street."
It’s 10 am. Price is right is on. Biji and I are spending the day at home while everyone is at work and school. Biji is playing lite brite with me. Helping me color coordinate in bowls. Cheering for the winners on tv. Everyone is home.
I get diagnosed with diabetes. I watch as my eldest sister learns the ropes to help my mum with this diagnosis. Stabbing oranges with syringes trying to learn how to poke me and keep me alive. Sneaking around the house, stealing any bit of sugar I can. Everyone is home.
It’s an ordinary Tuesday night. We are in this tiny little living room, which felt like a mansion. Music is playing, not a care in the world, everyone is dancing. Mum, Dad, uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings. Everyone is home.
It’s the weekend! Blankets, pillows, everything we can find is going on the living room floor. Mum just went grocery shopping. I got my new tweety bird pj’s that I’m so excited to wear. We had gone to the video store just after grocery shopping. We have shows and movies to watch for hours. Everyone is home.
It’s Sunday morning. We’re eating cereal side by side.The sound of grownups talking down the hall. Full house is on. Everyone is home.
It’s a warm summer day. I can still remember the feeling of my little feet peddling my bike with no shoes on, scraping my knees on the sidewalk. Biji picking me up along the way. Everyone is home.
The cherry tree in the backyard is blooming, siblings are on the swing, mum has set up a blanket in the backyard for picnic. Fruit roll ups and hot dogs. Everyone is home.
I remember my little brother being born. Mum is in the hospital. Chach is babysitting a house full of 4 kids. I’m crying for mum. Chach is making jokes about Caillou. “It’s CALI-LOO" chach would say. "NOOO it’s KAI-YOU!” Everyone is home.
Christmas growing up was our favourite. A drive to our grandparents house, where my aunt would have gifts waiting for all the kids and family. Everyones together, everyones eating, everyones laughing. Everyone is home.
The crisp air of halloween night. The witch costume is on. We walk hours on end, pillow cases full. The best part of the night was pouring all the candy out on the living room floor. The house is full. Everyone is home.
The sound of the house phone ringing. Who could it be? Bike rides that would last hours. No cellphones to call home. Cops and robbers around the block, grounders at the playground, sleepovers in the neighbourhood. Mum calling my friends house to call me back for dinner. So excited to finish dinner, so I could run back to play. Everyone is home.
It's the weekend again. Cousins are coming over. This meant being too young to be included in most things. Or it meant me and my cousin kevin being on the receiving end of “fear factor” dares. Doing the silliest things. Having the most laughter. Everyone is home.
Birthday parties were huge! It meant travelling to cousins houses, hosting them in our little kitchen and living room. Everyone is home.
It’s the middle of summer. It’s our turn to drive to Lethbridge this year. We pack the car, mums packed so much food. Dad has printed the directions off google. We take turns sitting in the front seat. We make pit stops along the way. Yelling cow when we see cows. Fighting, playing laughing with the siblings. Parents just wishing we’re there already. Everyone is home.
We’re getting older. But, everyone is home. . It’s Friday night. This means Berj is coming home for the weekend. We make a trip to blockbusters. Mum is preparing dinner. We choose the Da Vinci code. We fill our plates up, sit in the living room as a family, start the movie. Everyone is home.
I wait patiently for my sisters to leave for work and school. I sneak into their room and steal a shirt. I come home from school, praying they aren’t home yet so I can return the shirt like nothing happened. Siblings are home. I yell and ask who wants cha? Everyone does. We all sit down together with mum to watch Ellen and Oprah. We're laughing and giggling. Everyone is home.
I can’t remember when, but home changed.
Everyone has left. No one shows up to the house randomly for a dance party. No one celebrates birthdays in a home too small to fit 50+ people. Everyone has grown up.
Now I visit home. I pause and remember the house that was once filled with so much laughter and noise. My parents slowly becoming empty nesters.
This yearning pain of being a kid again is overwhelming. I am flooded with nostalgia. I can’t help but feel a sense of gratitude for all the experiences we had. Knowing that we can’t go back, creates an ache and a pain that no one will ever have words for.
This video is the closest thing to capturing some of my fondest memories.
I lay alone in my bed, all grown up, pour myself a cup of coffee, prepare my food, get ready to go to work. Grab my bag. Turn off the lights. No one is home.
e i g h t & the g a t e
December 2024
I lay alone in my bed, all grown up, pour myself a cup of coffee, prepare my food, get ready to go to work. Grab my bag. Turn off the lights. No one is home.
"why are you trying to rehabilitate me? I'm a career criminal. It's too late. you're going to burn yourself out. If you want to make change, go work with youth."
I enter this drab rock hard cement building. The metal bars clang shut behind me and before me. Doors that open by officers in secure posts. The air smells slightly stale, mixed with the metallic scent of the bars and the faint odor of disinfectant.A heavy tense underlying hum of activity. There's constant noise. Whether it's the deicter hitting the end point, inmates distant chatter as you walk by, officers laughing, a radio call for assistance, a blaring alarm.
I remember sitting in a control post early in the morning. Most inmates still sleeping, a few out sorting breakfast trays. I'm reading a memoir by Rob Rothwell, an officer who served 33 years as a police officer. I'm so entrenched in this book that I don't realize an inmate is standing at my control post for the last 3 minutes asking for a form. I suddenly realize I have a tear rolling down my cheek. At that exact moment, I knew I was meant to do more than just this. I am meant to be walking the beat.
I experienced my first call to assistance during my first week of on the job training. By the time I got there, the incident was over. Over 50 officers in dark blue standing together . I learned about one meaning of "The blue wall, The camaraderie". I was overwhelmed for the rest of the day.
You're not allowed to talk about what you see or go through, so you battle most of that on your own. There's an unspoken understanding that you each carry your own emotional load. You build a dark and morbid sense of humour to cope. And soon you become numb, desensitized and jaded to what the ordinary world would think is absolutely absurd. You begin to minimize a new officers first time responding to a stabbing by saying "oh just another day, another stabbing."
PTSD among correctional officers is rarely discussed, especially when compared to other law enforcement agencies. Lots of officers won't get diagnosed because of the stigma. You sit there for an 8 hour shift like a pressure cooker on the edge of the roller coaster. Some may have heard "eight and the gate"; leave all the trauma at work. After months and years, you sit on edge like a pressure cooker everywhere, waiting for something to explode.
You see stabbings, suicides, hangings, self harm attempts, murders. You are to learn to cope and do a range walk where an inmate just died the day before. What's the right way to grieve an inmates death? You don't. It *shouldn't* affect you. But then it does. All of it does.
You're walking through the shopping mall and hear a sales associates radio go off. You freeze and stand still. You start choosing seats and tables at the back of the restaurant watching the front door. You take the longer route home. You get home and forget how you got home.
DISCLAIMER: These are just small snippets of my experiences I've written over time; that hopefully end up in a book I write at the end of my career.
I'm a writer... I'm ok.. I promise!